6.27.2013

For the Steppies Everywhere

Overcoming the negative stereotype of the Stepparent.

Let's play a quick word association game. I'll say a word, you will have to say the first thing that comes to your mind. The word....  Stepfather.... 

Did a good person come to your mind? Did you think of someone you know who has a stepfather? ...or did you think of a horror movie character, an abusive alcoholic, or someone like that?

Now here's another word... Stepmother... 

Did a good person come to your mind? Did you think of someone you know who has a stepmother? ...or did an image of poor Cinderella scrubbing the floor as her stepsisters went to the ball come to your mind? If you're not familiar with the story of Cinderella, then that's okay. There's a wicked stepmother in Snow White, and other stories too. 

Perhaps some who are reading this may think it is a foolish topic. Maybe nothing negative at all comes to your mind when you think about stepparents. If that is the case then thank you, for you have risen above the stigmas and stereotypes that society has branded us with.

Among the good step-parents in the world there are also the bad ones, just like you will find both good parents and bad parents. The word "parent" however doesn't tend to set off the same alarms as the word "step-parent" does in our society.

I have personally encountered this as a step-dad over the past 20 something years. Usually when speaking to a teacher, or a little league coach this would occur. I would be called Mr. Blankenship instead of Mr. Tedford, which was an honest assumption since the children's last name is Blankenship. I would then tell them my last name is Tedford, and then feel obligated to go on explaining that I'm their stepdad. Most people would say okay and leave it there, but sometimes there would be someone who would try to pry in to it a bit more as if this were some new phenomenon they had never heard of before. Of course for the sake of my wife and children, I wouldn't go there, but would just politely get back on the subject we were originally there for.

I've come to learn that the first initial thing that comes to peoples mind is that this person must have been the other man, and it is probably assumed that there must have been a divorce in my wife's first marriage, and that I'm part of the reason why. I've never had anyone ask me if this was the case, but there have been instances where I felt like it was assumed by people. If this were the case then I would have to accept it as the consequences, but it is a harder pill to swallow when it is not the case. We just have to live with the stereotypes and desperately try now to live up to them.

Just to further make my point about steppie stereotypes, I typed into Google Images the word "stepmother" - not wicked stepmother or anything descriptive, just the word itself, "stepmother" and this image to the right was among the first images shown...

 You may recognize her as the wicked stepmother from the Disney classic, Snow White. 




I then typed into Google Images the word "stepfather"and among the first pictures shown was this...




My guess is that junior's grades were not up to par, so he has to be strangled with his stepfather's tie. This movie was released 2009. I have never seen it, and I intend to never watch it.



There are many good people out there (I like to think myself included) that don't deserve this stigma, but there is absolutely nothing that I know of that can ever be done to erase it. In other words, we just live with it and go on, and we try to be the best stepparent we can be to disprove these negative stereotypes that we have been labeled with. 


Advice to the Steppies...

Every family is different, and every situation is different. There is no one exact way to be a good stepparent. Regardless of what the family situation is... whether there was a divorce, or whether there was a death that left an empty space to be filled in the family (like in my family), there are important things to remember.  

Whatever the situation is there needs to be a lot time given to adjust for the children, for your spouse (who is the natural mother or father), and for you. Most likely this family has endured something, or else there wouldn't even be a need for you to be there. There needs to be patience, understanding, and a lot of love most of all in this home.

You may at times be attacked by the child as they may resent these adjustments, and they may take it out on you. You can't take this personally. The proper thing to do is to respect the child by giving them their space, but let them also know you are doing this by using words of understanding and affirmation. This isn't always easy to do, but over time they will appreciate you for your patience with them. 


When there's an Ex - there's a way!

In situations where there may be an ex-wife or ex-husband who has a shared custody of the child things can sometimes be tricky especially if hostility exists between the parents. As the new husband or wife, you should share with your spouse that their ex is speaking poorly of you in front of, or to the child, and then the court should be made aware of this. Confronting the ex is the temptation, but this will do nothing but hurt your relationship with the child in doing this, and you may even unintentionally reinforce what the ex is already saying about you in the eyes of the child. Also, don't speak poorly of the ex in front of their child, for this is also poor behavior. In time as the child grows older, they will reflect back on it and realize with more clarity who the real troublemaker was. Perhaps if you take the advice of the bible, you will even pray for the ex, and speak kindly of them. Isn't this the ultimate example of Christ - to love your enemies? The children will remember this. 


 The Other Family

To the stepparent who has married a widow, and has stepchildren who have lost their parent, my heart goes out to you for you are in a unique setting. All I can say is that you will find yourself in very uncomfortable positions at times. I've found that the best approach is to stay positive and to put the children's best interest ahead of your own interests. Most marriages consist of two families coming together. This is not the case in your new family as a stepparent. 

Their best interest is not to isolate them, so the right thing to do is keeping them connected with their deceased parent's family, as well as yours, and your spouses families. For me this was easy for they are delightful people. At first though I wasn't sure what to expect when first meeting them. Would they resent me? I've spoken to some other stepparents and have heard that they didn't get along with the family of the deceased parent. Thankfully my experience was a good one, and we've embraced each other as family. We share a common interest - we love the children and their mother.


Bonding with the Children

For a stepparent to bond with the children it is important that you remember that you are not taking their parents place, but just their space. Finding common interests is very helpful. You may not find them too easily, but try not to over think this. When I first met my wife (then girlfriend) Ann's children, we found a common interest right away. We both agonized about trying to reach the next level of Super Mario World. Who would've thought that little Italian Plumber running around could be a common interest? For others it may be cooking, sports, or something else. Find what you have in common and go with it. 


Respecting their Boundaries

I learned too that there were places that were simply off-limit to me. Like many children I think they had a fear of losing their daddy completely - even his memory. Therefore, it was an important thing for me to put my own feelings on hold, and to reassure them that I wasn't trying to erase their daddy any further from their lives. Sometimes children who have lost a parent may think this is the intention of a new stepparent (and hopefully it isn't). 

If you are a stepparent you need to understand that your relationship with the children as a parent is always going to be a shared one to some degree. You will share every Father's Day (or Mother's Day), your children will tell stories of happy memories that don't involve you, and your Christmas tree may even have an ornament just for that person they have lost. If you are a selfish person you will not do well with this, for it requires a lot of giving, and an attitude of self-sacrifice. 


Don't Lay Down the Law!

Nothing disgusts me more than seeing the attitude like there is a new sheriff in town. If you want to have children who will listen to you, but will also hate you, then that would be the way to do it. 

Someone told me once while I was dating Ann that I should give the children my last name after we got married. I quickly told that person (who meant no harm) that their name was all they had left from their dad, and I wasn't going to take that away from them. There were always pictures in their bedrooms of their daddy as they grew up. Of course in time you will grow on them, but you should never try to compete for their affection. There is enough room in their heart for both of you. 


Do not force it!

I've heard of mothers telling their children to call the new stepdad "dad", and I've always disagreed with this. For me it was a personal decision to have the children call me Randy if they wished even after I was married to their mother, but I never told them either way, to not call me daddy, or to call me daddy. I wanted to leave it up to them, even if it meant risking that they would never call me daddy. In their own time all three of them began calling me daddy. 

Today I'm thankful that I did it this way, for I feel like it was a privilege that I earned, instead of a title that I placed upon myself. I also don't call them my stepchildren. This isn't because there is anything wrong with the word, but to me they are my kids, and I notice as well they don't refer to me as their stepdad, for to them I'm just dad. When you love each other as much as we do an extra syllable just gets in the way anyway. 


There is Hope!

So keep your chin up steppies. Even though there are those out there that tend to give us a bad name, and there all kinds of negative media about us, there are also a lot of success stories like mine. I've made a lot of mistakes, but I think I've also done some things right as well. Today I have three adult kids, and we have good relationships. What is my secret? No secret at all really... I didn't have a clue, but with the help of my wife, following her example of parenting, and with a lot of grace from God, it all somehow worked out well. Today, neither the kids, my wife, nor I am a basket case. 

Some things I would advise is that a stepparent must have patience, understand their role, and embrace it. Give them their space when they need it, show them the respect they deserve, and above all else let them know how much you love them. Chances are they may return it all back to you also. 

My Family when the kids were young. 1997-ish.